Last week I was in Southern California with family for my daughter's 4th birthday. While I was there I had to take my mom to bath and body works to use a gift certificate I got her for her birthday. My mom is getting difficult to buy for so my sister suggested a gift certificate but told me the rules new rules are if you buy her the gift certificate you have to be the one to take her shopping. What an experience.
If anyone is lost reading this my mom has a rare form of dementia called Semantic Dementia. If you really want to you can read all about it on my sister's blog. Since I have only briefly mentioned it in a post or two I'll give the quick, if there is such a thing, breakdown of how its progressed before I go into my story about taking Mom shopping.
Sometime in my mom's mid 40's she probably developed the dementia. She started acting strange, then forgetting things, and was finally diagnosed in spring of 2012, when she was just short of 51 years old. At first we thought the memory loss was due to a heart surgery she had in 2009 because everything went downhill after that. But after she was diagnosed we looked back at other behaviors and realized it had started before then.
When I left for Florida in January 2007 my mom was completely normal.
In 2008 my parents came out for a visit. We took them down to Key West. The whole way there my mom wanted to talk about religion and her ancestors with Natalie's friend (like she of all people cares). It was strange because my mom was turning into a person that could only have a conversation about 2 or 3 things. Later on this would turn to complaining about imaginary pains constantly or about how women get so weird when they age. Anyways in Key West she did a lot of complaining about things like walking and not wanting to do anything because of her heart (which was just fine). Some might think that is normal she's just getting old. But this was not normal for my mom and it was a sudden change of behavior that was very odd.
Later that year Natalie and I got married. My parents were there for Thanksgiving and the wedding and my mom cooked an entire Thanksgiving meal by herself for the four of us before we went to Natalie's family's dinner. That morning my dad and I had taken a bike ride in the Everglades and we returned to Natalie in the kitchen learning how to cook from my mom. This was the last time I can remember my mom cooking like this. I was still in Florida at the time but from what I heard from the family the Sunday family dinners started getting repetitive and the joke was "Is it tacos or spaghetti today?" Within a year or two my mom, the woman who was always in the kitchen baking, would no longer cook. I believe it was Thanksgiving 2010 or 2011 that my Dad joked about taking her to Denny's for Thanksgiving dinner and she was ok with that. Normal mom would have told him to go repent for such blasphemy. But this was no longer my mom, at least mentally. She didn't want to cook but she wanted to stand over him telling him when he's not doing things her way.
In early 2010 my grandma died. This is when people started thinking my mom was getting really weird. My mom wouldn't go right away with my dad to her mom's house because she needed to put on makeup first. At the funeral she asked who my dad's brother is. She has known him for 35 years. Of course we all attributed this to memory loss.
In 2010 my daughter was born. My parents came out just a couple weeks after. At this time my mom was making songs for all the grandchildren. All the same tune with the kid's names. Repeating over and over Adriana Alves, Adriana Alves, Adriana Alejandra Alves. These songs lasted until about 18 months ago. We took my parents down to Islamorada for the weekend and my mom had to go to Outback (30 minutes further towards Key West) for dinner. She always wanted Outback until she forgot what it was sometime late last year or early this year. She also wasn't happy about our choice of hotel. She wanted to stay at a Marriot because her third cousin married into the Marriot family and the Marriot hotel has a Book Of Mormon. To that I say if they were real family we would get a free room and my mom has a Book Of Mormon at home so who cares. Just another one of dozens of weird obsessions. We had to keep hearing about the Marriot all weekend though.
This is about the time it started getting hard to talk to my mom. I would call her up and tell her something over the phone and when waiting for a response there would be nothing but silence on the other end. Then she would finally response with something about how her wrist hurts or other health complaints. The next year when they came out to visit (2011) she kept talking about how excited she was to see Adri but then we she got there she would lose interest real quick and want to play on my laptop. Her excuse was that she couldn't hold Adri too long because of her pains. Of course she did sing Adri her song over and over and made Adri a birthday cake but as far as giving her attention the interest as fading. This would become the new norm. This is the last time my mom made a cake for Adri and I believe the last time she even showed that cared about her birthday or that she was just there in general. Before they left we had some time to kill so we asked my mom what she wanted to do. She wanted to go out and see stuff but she couldn't describe what she wanted to see. So we took her to Morikami Japanese Gardens thinking she would have a good time. Instead all she did was complain about the heat, sweat, and how she wanted to go somewhere like the place we went a couple years ago. Somehow I don't think they would have made their flight back if we went to Key West that afternoon. This would be my parents last trip out to Florida.
Over the next year things really started to decline. My little sister did some research online (since my mom's doctors were beyond incompetent) and my sister came up with the idea that my mom had dementia. I thought this was the craziest thing I had ever heard. At this point we were all blaming the 12 hour heart surgery in 2009, the fact that she had internal bleeding, and they had to bring her back in to stop it, and the fact that she was out for so long. However in March of 2012 my mom was diagnosed at UCLA with semantic dementia. Those "Stupid doctors" took away her drivers license (long overdue) and would only give her the meds she wanted not the ones she needed so my mom hated them.Two months later we went camping at Heartbar for Memorial Day and my mom was blasting her MTC music (she likes to announce to the world she is Mormon) and she was warming up the blankets in the trailer with a hair dryer. We had a family talk and of course my family all wanted me to move back to California to be closer to my mom. At this point what was the point though? By the time I find a job and move my mom wouldn't remember me. Turns out I wasn't too far off with that claim. However that summer I had two job offers in the Phoenix area, I realized that my parents wouldn't be visiting Florida again (at least not together), and I needed to boost my career and it wasn't going to happen doing IT work in South Florida. In November 2011 we moved to Arizona.
My dad helped me move and he was calling my mom daily to check up on her. My sisters would stop by daily and this is about the time that my mom started chasing out visitors (including her kids) when they stay over too long. She started leaving notes on the door and locking out people from church that came by to check on her. Now that I was over every month I really started to see her decline. At Thanksgiving she sat there in front of the computer during dinner prayer oblivious as to what was going on around her. There was no participation in Christmas. Around this time she went up the street to take her friend a church calendar when she wasn't home. Since her friend wasn't home she let herself in to leave the calendar. She keeps thinking her friend is going to join the church.
Around this time my sister started printing out cards telling people that my mom has dementia for embarrassing or confrontational moments in the store. Of course by this time they were pointless because you could talk about my mom right in front of her and unless it's something that she wants to talk about (her health, medicine, religion) it doesn't register.
In May we went camping again at Heartbar and my mom decided to sit on a post while my dad was backing up his trailer. I needed her to move but she wouldn't listen to my commands. She would stare at her feet with a blank expression on her face. So I would try to grab her arm and help her up but this would make her start yelling that I'm hurting her. Then back to the blank stare while I try to explain why she needs to move. This camping trip she pretty much locked herself up in the trailer only poking her head out occasionally to see what is going on. Of course the blow dryer was a problem again.
Last year she was pretty much absent for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She didn't understand the concept of gifts and stayed in her room away from family. Her computer broke right before Christmas so when I got there she was all excited to see me because she needed her computer fixed. I couldn't even get my bags out of the car before she started following me telling me all about her computer. Well her motherboard was shot so I had to order parts and rebuild her computer. This didn't register to her and we kept getting hounded over it. She would come in and try to take over as I'm building the computer and loading software. Then after it was all done there was just complaining about how things are different (no more XP). I managed to crack Windows 7 and put on her XP games but still got complaints.
In February my son Zach was born and mom was absent. She decided last minute not to come. When my dad got back home and told my mom Zach's name she looked at him and said "Zach, no that's not a real name. They should have named him Joseph."
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Well last week when we were there it was my mom's first time seeing Zach. I brought Zach up to her and she showed no interest. Instead she turned to the wall and pointed at pictures of all the grandkids and told me that she needed to get a picture from the Orange County fair with his name on it. Of course she didn't say it like that, most of what she says now is a word or two followed by gibberish and random words. It's very hard to understand her. Of course she had to tell me about how Zach isn't a real name as well. The next morning I saw her and brought Zach up to her and said "Hey Zach this is my mommy". She smiled at him really quickly then turned to the fridge to point to smaller pictures she had like the ones on the wall with all the grandkids stuck to the fridge with their names on it. An hour later while I was on a business call she came over to get me to write Zach's name on paper for her so she can get a picture frame for him. Now she is only obsessed with what she remembers of the past, the picture frames. She showed no interest in her newest grandson all weekend. She didn't come to Adri's birthday party and during our family scat game that night she kept coming in to yell at us to be quiet so she can sleep.
We spent the next two days at Disneyland. After we got back from Disneyland we all had to shower. It was late, around 12:30 in the morning and Natalie's sister dropped something in the shower. This somehow woke my mom up (she takes so many sleeping aids I don't know how even a major earthquake can wake her up). Of course according to my dad the trains at night wake her up and she wants him to make them stop. So I was last to shower that night/morning and I was very quiet about it. I had left the door unlocked in case Natalie wanted to come in to brush her teeth. Well Natalie didn't come in but my mom opened the door and started yelling about how she is trying to sleep and I need to get out of there.
The next morning I told my mom that I needed to take her to Bath and Body Works to use her gift card. The way she was acting I thought this trip would be a no go. My dad forgot to fill her medicine the night before ( he hides her meds in a secret location and only fills up her pill box for a day at a time so she doesn't overdose). I called my dad and he gave me instructions on where to get the pills, how many to put in her pill box for the day, etc. I gave mom the pills and she looked at me asking where they came from. I told her it's magic and left the room. I went to her computer to print out the gift certificate, not expecting her to actually go and this is when I realized it was only good for their online store. Doh. Well this is when my mom came in ready to go. I tried to explain that the gift certificate was only good for online but she wasn't getting it. So I decided I'll just have to give the gift certificate to Natalie and use my credit card at the store.
Of course Mom couldn't wait for me to get ready. She wanted to go now. It didn't occur to her that my hair didn't have gel, I only had on an undershirt, and I was shoeless. She just wanted to go.
When we finally left I had to use my sister in law's rental car and Mom wasn't getting it when I told her we aren't taking my car. So finally we are off to the mall. I get to Clay street and the street is closed for construction. Now for the last couple years whenever we drive Mom around she has to talk about everything she remembers and how we have to go her way. If you deviate from her path you will hear it. I remember my dad telling me a couple weeks ago about this street being closed and she wanted him to drive right through the construction site. I thought we were going to have problems but she eventually caught on that we have to take a different route. So for the rest of the drive I got to hear about how those stupid doctors cancelled her as a driver and she was always such a good driver.
When we got there my mom didn't even wait for me to turn the car off. She was out of the car and heading for the entrance. When we got to the elevator she grabbed my hand and rubbed it and said thank you for taking her and being "supportive" and I'm such a good son. Those feelings would change really soon. When we got in the store she knew exactly what two fragrances she wanted. She already has several bottles of them at home but she's stocking up like there's no tomorrow. So lotion, body wash, and perfume of a dozen bottles of the two fragrances went in the bag. I'm trying to stop her while I add this all up in my head but she just wouldn't wait. Off to the register.
On my way to the register a girl in the store asked if I needed help. I told her we are done but my mom has dementia, it's so bad she's clueless we are talking about her, and we are going to have to get rid of some stuff. The girl told me that her mom or grandma (can't remember which) died of dementia and she went to the counter to help me. The girl separated the stuff into two groups which had mom agitated. After ringing me up she put in the half we bought and lowered the bag to the floor while pretending to put the other half in, instead putting the other half under the register. Mom looked in the bag and wasn't satisfied. The girl tried to tell her it was all there but Mom wasn't having it. The girl went to put it in two bags thinking she could trick her but it wasn't happening. Mom went storming behind the counter. The girl told her coworker to move out the way and let me handle it. I don't know what I would have done if this girl wasn't so helpful. So my Mom found the lotion and started shoving it in her bag, ripping it apart and making all the stuff go out on the counter. I got my mom back to the other side and the girl put everything back that we had purchased, this time in two separate bags.
I tried to reason with my mom but there was no reasoning. I tried to distract my mom asking about lotions for Natalie while the girl bagged up the order but Mom wasn't having it. She had her eyes glued on that bag. I eventually came to the realization that I was going to have to use a little force to get Mom out of the store. I thanked the girl for her help and turned my focus to trying to get Mom out of the store. This was a ten minute process, no exaggeration. I had my arm around her and had to force her to move. She would try to go back to the counter and I would have to block her. As we got closer to the entrance people outside started to look over. I had a couple older ladies give me a weird look like they thought I was robbing my mom or something.
At this point I'm thinking it's the last thing I need for some mall cop to come back and get stupid. They would likely either distract me and my mom would be free to run back to the counter and start the fun all over again or they would get stupid and my mom would end up being detained or assaulted. I just kept thinking this is going to suck if security comes over. Luckily they didn't. I kept it up. Put my arm around my mom, pushed her along, then got into blocking position when she tried to go back. After ten minutes we were finally out of the store standing in front of Hot Topic. By this time my shoulder was sore from the struggle and I was trying to talk some sense into her. I could see she was looking into Hot Topic probably thinking she can run through there to lose me and come out the other door. Finally I took a different tactic and sided with her. She had been complaining about "Why won't anyone support her", why is the girl being mean, etc... I jumped on that one. I told her the girl was being mean and we'll have to come back when she isn't there. Finally I got my mom to give up and walk out of the mall pouting like a giant toddler. I had my arm around her and had to push her along but at least we were moving in the right direction. By the time we got to JcPenny she had stopped resisting and I was able to let go of her and she instead turned to complaining. I got to hear it the whole way home about how I'm "Not supportive of her". Then I had to hear about how she wishes I could take her to Kohl's in Corona or K-mart. Sorry but I had enough fun for the day and would have been broke if I had to keep taking her shopping. The concept of money is gone. Of course since I wouldn't take her anywhere else I wasn't being supportive. She got out of the car not so happy about our trip or of the life supply of lotions and body washes in her bag.
When she got home she immediately ran into the bathroom to put away her loot. She wouldn't let me count it, probably out of fear I was going to take her loot, but I think she got eight items and she now had so much that she had to store some of it in another bathroom. Her cabinet looks like the shelves in the store with several of the same items all grouped together.
When we left back for Arizona that day Mom wasn't much for goodbyes. Even when Adri ran up to give her a hug. Just a blank stare, and maybe a pat on the head. No more songs about Adriana Alejandra Alves.
Of course my sisters had to ask about my trip. All I could say is for now one there will be no more gift cards and no more shopping.
